Screaming at the Wrong Person

I was screaming at my son today.  He did not do anything wrong.  He just did not know the answer.  I was tired.  This is not an excuse; just the fact.  I did not want to study with Robert, but he kept asking, “Work, work, work.”  So I forced myself to work with him. As he kept making mistakes, I became mad at his school. I was mad at his teachers and the administrators.  But I screamed at Robert.  He tried to be calm, but he felt hurt.  He was hurt.

I was mad at his teacher, his speech therapist, the administration and the members of the school committee. I was mad at everybody.  I was mad at myself.  I don’t know of one thing my son learned this year at school.  I got so-called “progress reports” but couldn’t find any sign of progress.  I was mad at the situation I was not able to rectify. Still, I screamed at Robert.

I am a damaged human being.  I become a bad mother and a terrible  teacher.  Dealing with the school during last four years took its toll.

Now, I am the person, who hurts Robert by screaming at him.

I don’t know where to go from here.

I cannot teach my son if I scream at him.

Maybe,because of his OCD, he wants to keep the same pattern of the day and that includes learning with me.  Maybe he knows that if I won’t teach him, nobody else will.  Anyway, he insists on learning together.  I am afraid to continue our evening sessions.

I screamed at my son and I don’t know how to go past that.

I shorten this post today.  In the first version I vented my frustration and went overboard with my anger at school.  I was petrified by my screaming at Robert.  I considered removing that post entirely, but I decided to leave it here as an example of the damage caused by four years of incessant efforts to assure proper education.  I have to say, that the worst year was four years ago, and I still am not able to address it.  It also has to be said, that every year was a little better than the previous  one. The constant vigilance, however,  came at a price.  The price is that, for the last six months, I was not able  to have calm, professional contacts with school and that had to have a negative effect on Robert.

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1 Comment

  1. NJ

     /  June 15, 2013

    Please know that I will be thinking about you and praying for you. I understand how hard it can get. My son has autism too and I have often cried. I don’t know what to say to comfort you except – hugs.

    Reply

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