Does He or Doesn’t He

Today, Robert did not go to school.  Every time I tried to wake him up, he responded the same way, “Five more minutes.” He got up, went to the bathroom  and returned to his bed.  He slept until 2 PM.  Maybe a little longer.  I worried.  I wanted him to be sick.  Because if he was not sick,  he was depressed.  I can deal with his sickness.  I cannot deal with his depression. He cannot share his emotions, his feelings, his confusions.

One of the aspects of Robert’s obsessive compulsive behavior is the fact that  for him the need to fulfill his real or perceived obligations trumps all his needs and wants.  Thus, I  can never tell what he wants, because he is enslaved by customs and compulsions. In particular, I never know if he wants to go to school or if he is forced to go to school by his OCD.

This dilemma presented itself most painfully in the years he had most problems in schools:  2005/2006 and 2009/2010.   It was more and more difficult to  wake him up before school.  He was getting there  later and later.  As I walked him to school, with every step his feet became heavier and slower. He was always tense.  He had this very serious expression on his face, as if he were approaching execution but determined not to waver.

Yet, he expressed the wish to go to school.  I couldn’t understand.  All signs were indicating his reluctance to get up and go to school, but his words demanded that he attends the school.

He was enslaved by what was expected of him and by what he expected of himself and unable to get out of that hold.

Now , the same thing happens again. Robert doesn’t want go to school, but he feels he has to.

I  understand why he is so unhappy there, what a bad match this classroom  is for him.  I knew he was not learning much there, now I am afraid he is pushed into depression.  That is something I simply don’t know how to deal with.

It is a year dreadfully similar to those two horrid years 2005/2006 an 2009/2010. My son is suffering for being in a classroom with teachers who still don’t know him and don’t like him.  He continues to be alone in a way nobody understands there, as if his very humanity is questioned.  He feels the lack of sincerity and continues to be confused by artificial “help”.

Even I don’t understand what he goes through.   A few observations allowed me only to see how stressed and lonely he is there, and how nobody really relates to him.

Today, he slept until 2 PM.  He was not sick after all, he was depressed.  He did not want to get up.  The same pattern from 2005/2006 the terrible year at TEC  and 2009/2010,even worse year at Norwood High School, is emerging yet again.  Robert is late for the school bus, Robert sleeps through the day, yet he still asks to go to school, unable to escape the compulsion.

I am heartbroken. I have understood two years ago that Robert learns very little at school, but today I also realized  that he is being destroyed there, the same way he was damaged in those two fatal school years.  I did not expect that.  But it happens again.  That is just too much to bear.

I know it is a chaotic post.  I am writing and trying to prevent outbursts of anger from burning  this page.  I am trying to understand why nobody is seeing what I have observed in the classroom.  I am angry and sad.

And confused.  I still cannot tell for sure,  Does he or doesn’t he want to go to school when he says , “School, school”.  I only know that he has more problems getting up in the morning and…. living.

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1 Comment

  1. Jean

     /  October 30, 2013

    Painful to read the post, and think of what you and Robert are going through.

    Reply

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