Shannon des Roches Rosa

She writes a blog which unlike this one has many readers. She advertises herself much more skillfully than I do, and unlike myself seems pretty pleased with herself. She also strongly protests “media’s understanding” of a mother who killed her son with autism and then committed suicide. All of that is fine with me. What is not fine, however, was that she also addressed me directly writing, “Krymarh (…)To make the message extra-clear: If you keep insisting that you *truly* understand the mindset of Robert’s mother, then that means your child is in imminent danger and, ethically, I should be using the power of the Internet to identify you and call CPS.”
If I quote Shannon des Roches Rosa here without her permission it is because I consider her words to be a threat to my son and such threat should be dealt with as openly and as swiftly as possible.
She wrote it in response to my two posts.
The first was short:
You can side with a mother AND with her son. It is not about blaming the victim. They were both victims. It is about blaming the system. And as long as you and many others insist that lack of support had nothing to do with it and should be treated separately, the more tragedies are to follow. The lack of support has everything to do with it. Maria Hrabowski

This post brought only attacks of those who, on her blog, called for public stoning of a mother who killed her son and herself too, unable, for whatever reasons, to find help for him. The attacks came in short, crisp sentences discharged from canon placed on high moral ground. I was told over and over again, as if I didn’t know, that killing is wrong.
I made mistake of responding with rather long post. I made mistake not because Shannon des Roches Rosa used the second post to threaten and silence me. I made a mistake because nothing of what I have written resulted in even one person on Shannon des Roches Rosa blog taking a breath, and thinking, and imagining what the son and what the mother probably went through in the days before their death.
I wrote:
You write as if you had been there. As if you knew how does it feel to call for help to all appropriate places and being turned away. You write as if bringing a child to the hospital, the child who cannot talk and tell about his pain, would result in the whole hospital staff doing everything to help. The reality is that such child just a year ago was held tied up to bed and not getting any TESTs or treatments. for three weeks!!!!!! That was in Chicago. The doctors waited until the child calms down on his own. In other case the only treatment was to drug such child to the state of being “out of it” for ever. The child was released home with monthly supply of the same drug. You write as if you believed that one of many organizations that certainly is there was willing to help and had sort of an emergency program. I had been calling for something like that in my educated state of Massachusetts for years, and it still doesn’t exist. You write as if you knew how it feels to have your child hit himself with all the might and scream with pain, he cannot explain. You write as if you knew how it feels, to try to hug your child in a way that would prevent him from doing a harm to himself and being pushed away, and watching him hitting his head time after time with a full strength. You write as if you knew how it feels to take your child to all specialists who don’t investigate medical condition but just tell you, to “blame it on autism.” I can imagine much closer than anybody of you throwing mighty judgement, what that boy felt – lonely and neglected by the SYSTEM, by people like you, who don’t want to contribute to his proper care, who blame mother of not being able to watch her son suffer. You would assign a blame to her, to release agencies, government and thus yourself from any responsibility for this boy plight. You write as if you knew, how every minute of your and your son life is a constant vigilance to not let OTHERS destroy your son. To teach and watch every day, to fight for services, to make everybody else enemy in the quest to secure future for your child. You write as if you knew how drained and confused you get after confronting the fact that those who are put there to help (your tax dollars) push your child away. You write as if you wanted to believe, that the world such child and his parent live in is a good accepting world with plenty of resources and open to help. All of you want to believe in goodness of social workers and agencies paid with some tax money. In my state, many ARCs called for closing of Fernal School, but then they were not opened at all to take the more severe cases of fernal School clients under theor wings..
Please don’t tell me that I am not on the side of the victim. I am much more empathetic and understanding than most of you. I also know that those sentencing attitudes of those who see clear guilt of mother do more damage to other children with severe disabilities and their families, than my opinion expressed here. Only when you mobilize forces to help mothers you can help those who need so badly your help, not your judgements. maria Hrabowski

I am leaving this text as I wrote it, with all the spelling and grammar errors. I wrote it stupidly believing that I would educate those who rush to judgement. I brought the case of Alex (without mentioning his name), who was killed last year, and whose plight and death shook me to the core.I though about many mothers I know who went through very challenging times. I didn’t, however, write that there were also mothers killed or put in coma by their children with sever autism. I couldn’t even use that argument as it is one of the most unfairly stigmatizing our children. And again, I was told as if that concept was foreign to me, that “you don’t kill your children”. Shannon des Roches Rosa must think that I don’t know that truth and thus followed with this threat : To make the message extra-clear: If you keep insisting that you *truly* understand the mindset of Robert’s mother, then that means your child is in imminent danger and, ethically, I should be using the power of the Internet to identify you and call CPS.
I do consider her words a very dangerous threat to my son. Shannon des Roches Rosa, loving mother of a child with autism,issues this threat as if she really believed that expressing my strongest empathy for two tragic human beings: mother and son, puts my son in danger and warrants his removal from my care. This is a person attacking from her high moral ground knowing fully well that this is BS. But she also must know, what happens to the parents who fight for rights of their children with schools and/or agencies when they make too many enemies on the way. How easy it is to destroy their children as a punishment for parents protesting institutionalized neglect.
There is this overwhelming tragedy of people lost in situation they couldn’t handle and there is Shannon des Roches Rosa changing it into public stoning of already dead mother and launching an offensive against someone who expresses empathy for those two tragic human beings.
I concluded:
I put my first and last name here. I don’t hide myself from anyone, although I do regret writing here, as you and your crowd changes the meaning of my words to suit your executioners attitudes. I will respond to you on my own blog soon, And i will quote your last comment as it is a pearl of cruel hypocrisy. Maria Hrabowski

Until now, I have never brought arguments I kept using in responding to the statement expressed in newspapers articles I don’t agree with. I am rather outspoken but keep my love of polemic out of those pages. But the threat Shannon des Roches Rosa used in those tragic circumstances forced me to change the rules. Besides, I rarely write about that other side of caring for a child with autism. For once, Robert does much better then he did years ago, and I do have tendency to forget quickly the most trying times. But it is good to remember those darker days as without them the picture is, well, too Rosy. I mean too Rosa.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: